Virgo:
You will feel a strong affinity and sense of empathy for the Northern Pike this week. Try and avoid going fishing if you can, and if you do go, make sure to catch-and-release. Step carefully around such potential for emotional turmoil.
Aries:
On a Thursday in the near future, you will find yourself in a BP gas station, and you will feel incredibly hungry. Do not purchase the jalapeno bratwurst, no matter how delicious it may seem.
Capricorn:
The water from the west-wing drinking fountain on the fourth floor of the library will taste especially delicious on May 3. Make sure to fill up a bottle and enjoy.
Cancer:
When you reach the age of 42, the likelihood that you will lose your right index finger increases by roughly 35 percent for the duration of that year. I have no insight as to how or why your probability of losing said finger increases, but do with that prediction what you will.
Pisces:
Do not attempt to do a standing backflip this week. You’re very athletic, and I know you’ve been practicing, but it just won’t end well this week. Stay safe, lie low, try it again next week.
Sagittarius:
Wear a rain jacket tomorrow, no matter what the weather looks like. You will encounter an Australian Naval Captain who will be impressed by your preparedness and offer you a position as an Admiral. Heed this call to adventure at your own discretion.
Taurus:
Be aware of the Taurus man. This coming week, he will fall in love with you. Though not a Taurus himself, he is seductive and he will insistently ask you to accompany him on a date to Seaworld. Do not go on this date with him. If you do, you will fall madly in love with him, and he will break your heart.
Gemini:
On May 7, 2023, purchase a plane ticket to Winnipeg, Canada. From there, contract a local bush pilot named “Scruff” for a flight that takes you as close to the coordinates 64.615446, -83.704826 as you can get. From there, proceed on foot. Good things will follow.
Leo:
The Olaf Messenger has informed me that due to contract obligations, I am not allowed to disclose your horoscope at this time. I hope you have an excellent day, though.
Scorpio:
You will find yourself in a moment of complete boredom for approximately 30 minutes next Wednesday. However, it will provide you with exactly enough time to read Nikolai Gogol’s classic short story, “The Nose.” Make sure to bring along a printout of this story, because it will brighten your day and make that moment of boredom pass easily.
Aquarius:
You will have a soul-crushing, mind-melting, life-altering love affair with someone for the next few months. Congratulations! However, their name will only be revealed to you via an innocuous, automatically generated email. Make sure you check your spam folder in the coming weeks very carefully, and don’t be afraid to reach out!
Libra:
A mild pipeline maintenance incident occurred April 22, 2023 somewhere on the Pacific Coast of Canada. This mild mishap will cause gas prices to increase by roughly .0045 percent by April 29, precisely when you will go to fill up your car. Make sure to pack a few extra pennies.
