Before I start my article, I want to say to all my romantics or non-romantics, please listen to “I Love You 3000” by Stephanie Poetri. I beg you. If not, then “Bang Bang” by K’naan. Have you listened? Yes? Good. Now without a further ado, you may read the rest of what I have to say.
Valentine’s Day was like any other day for me, except it was filled with more love
from friends and family — sadly, they lack a love life. But regardless, I hope you had better luck in love this Valentine’s Day than I did — Now my party destination was not The Cow, I found myself at a different spot, but it seems I dodged a less than ribbon-worthy party at the Cow from what I heard from sources who did find their way over to the beloved Northfield bar.
In addition to hearing from my friends that the Cow was disappointing, I also heard Cupid wasn’t getting gold stars either, his heart shaped arrows malfunctioning and either missing or breaking hearts. But somehow beneath the broken arrows and hearts was still One thing: love.
Love was definitely still in the air, polluting the air in such a suffocating way. Left and right, I saw couples grinding up on each other. You all need to chill sometimes. No shame, show them those moves, just make sure to stay away from me while you do it. Not that I should be talking … I may have been squeezed here and there. It was a corral.
Speaking of a quick squeeze, here is a bit of romantic advice: If a person is moving way too fast, it’s a red flag. Steer away, unless you want a one-night stand and a delusional hope for something more. Let us bedrunk, but not fools. Make smart choices, please keep your hands to yourself, and always keep communication and consent open. The groove might be enticing, but truly, it is a false alarm.
The man hooked in your arm might be gone the next day. He’ll be out by midnight — a Cinderella moment, but this time it’s me looking for size 12 men’s Nikes instead of him looking for my glass slipper. But the moral of the story is still the same — that person and that night will stick in your mind. No matter how many times your friends tell you to simply get over them, or say the classic line of “there are plenty of fish in the sea.” That saying should be long gone, because that is simply delusional. The water is polluted. Maybe that is why Cupid was malfunctioning; he drank some nasty water when he should have drunk the good stuff instead.
Additionally, for future reference, DJs, please steer clear of slow music on Valentine’s Day. Most of us are single. And please have more representative music. Don’t let it be bland like the food you leave unseasoned.