I recently had a friend of mine say casually, without thinking about it, “if the sex was bad, you know, that would probably be the end of the relationship.”
I, in fact, did not know. I nodded and laughed, as if this were a universal criterion for a successful romantic relationship. Most people probably think it is. I just sat there, vaguely confused and more than a little disheartened. It’s the same sinking feeling I get every time someone around me suggests that sex is a necessary component of romantic relationships – that it is essential to being human.
I’m asexual. I don’t experience sexual attraction, which is what asexuality is. I don’t want to have sex in any way, shape, or form, which is the experience of some, but not all, people on the ace spectrum.
If you’re confused at this point, that’s okay! Go do some research! I recommend AVE – the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network – and the podcast “Sounds Fake but Okay” as starting points, but go wild.
Okay, have you Googled? I’m going to assume you have.
What allosexual (aka not ace-spectrum) people might not understand is that being ace can be complicated. It works differently for everyone — sex and sexual desire are deeply personal things, and everyone’s experience is a little different.
I, for one, don’t experience any sexual attraction and have no desire whatsoever to have sex. That doesn’t always make sense to the allos in my life. Lots of well-meaning people assume sex to be an inherent part of what makes us human. It’s intrinsic, it’s necessary for good romantic relationships, it’s the best possible experience a person can have.
Let me tell you, that sort of language can be pretty hard to hear. The assumptions people make are usually not intended as aphobic; we live in a society centered around sex and romance, and it’s very difficult to rework your understanding of the world, especially when it works just fine for you.
But that’s what I’m asking you to do. Think for a while about your own experiences with sex and romance. Think about your assumptions, the things you take for granted, the experiences you imagine are universal, and work to take sex and romance off their socially constructed pedestals.
None of this is to shame people for having sex, liking sex, or talking about sex. Do what you want, as long as it’s consensual. I’m given to understand lots of people have and like sex. That’s great! No one should ever think less of you for it.
But you also shouldn’t think less of people for not wanting to have sex, regardless of the reason. You shouldn’t think less of people for not experiencing sexual attraction. Being ace is usually a great thing for me – I have a whole community of people like me, pride in my identity, and a really fantastic flag. But sometimes, being ace can be deeply alienating. Think a little bit about the assumptions you make about how people experience sexual and romantic attraction. Sexual desire is not intrinsic to humans. Trust me on this one.
And to my fellow aces, to aro folks, to anyone on either or both spectrums: know that I see you and I love you and I’m proud of you.
Anonymous
