Good afternoon, my intelligent student body. As all of you now know, I was elected president for this fine day. First order of business: getting rid of all the restrictions regarding off-campus housing. If you, as an upperclassman (sorry freshmen, you have to stay) want to pay a thousand dollars for a studio apartment three miles off campus, goodbye. Hope to see you walking around, however, it will not be towards a 38-person pod.
Second order of business: what is up with the parking? Are my only choices as a
commuter Rand or the bottom of the hill? And for those of you who park on campus, bless your hearts. I can’t imagine the raw grit it takes to fight for a parking spot in Skog. So voíla. More parking spots, and less admitted freshmen. Problem solved. I mean, who wants to park in I lot? Or J lot? For $300, I should be able to park in the middle of the quad.
Last request as prez: let’s put another cafeteria in this joint. Don’t get me wrong, I love grinding elbows with my friends, but it would be nice to waltz into the caf at 6:30 p.m. and not have to drop kick other students for orange chicken. Even if it was the same menu, a second dining hall would be joyous.
Alas, my subjects, my perfect plan is within reach. Enjoy your evening, and email me with other requests.
