There is a quote by Toni Morrison that I often think about: “Good is just more interesting, more complex, more demanding. Evil is silly, it may be horrible, but at the same time it’s not a compelling idea. It’s predictable.” I think in a culture (at least, as I see it) focused on having the last word, it’s noteworthy to consider the power to choose goodness, specifically forgiveness.
A year ago I got a call from my long-distance boyfriend. After about two years of being together, he told me that “his heart had grown distant.” He didn’t want to try and repair things, he just didn’t see his new life in Florida and mine in Minnesota being able to work together anymore. He believed they were headed in separate directions.
And his certainly was, because he had found someone else. And I’d known it before we had broken up, but it was confirmed in the following days when I talked to his best friend and his mom, who silently nodded their heads when I asked if the real reason he ended things was because of a girl.
To say the very least, it was difficult. Thankfully, I had wonderful friends to support me through the following days, but I was still left with a heavy question: how do I move forward? What was I supposed to say and think of my ex?
For many, I think the answer would be to say that he sucks. But like Morrison said above, that’s predictable. And that’s not what I wanted to do.
What started that night was a very long lesson in forgiveness. Through the next few months, I focused on asking for help, in prayer and from friends; help not to hate him, not to hate the other girl, and help in learning how to forgive. I spent a lot of time by myself, and often went home to be with my family. Here are tidbits I slowly learned.
Firstly, his actions reflect back on him, not on me. Maybe he acted inconsiderately, but how I react to that defines me more than how he acted toward me.
Secondly, this is both of our first time on Earth, and we’re still figuring out how to live. Does this excuse the fact that he started a relationship with someone else while still with me? No; but I strove to understand his position, and having to tell your girlfriend of two years that you found someone else would be a horrible position. The place he was in was a difficult one.
Thirdly, I positioned my outlook to see this as something for the better. I trusted that God would not have let this happen for no reason, and that life was going to be better without him than with him. So day by day, I saw my ex not as my biggest opp, but as an instrument to help me move on to something better.
Did his actions make him a bad person? I don’t think so; his actions were bad, but that didn’t make him a terrible person. Besides, there are times in my own life when I acted cruelly to others, and if I desired their forgiveness, it only makes sense if I practiced that forgiveness as well.
Granted, my faith was the biggest help in all this, which I realize not everyone can relate to. But I still think it’s healthy to take a step back and ask yourself if you need to vilify your ex, whether that be a significant other or a friend. Goodness is demanding, but it awards great peace. Be unpredictable, be radical — choose goodness, choose forgiveness.
