Aries:You’ve messed up big time, and you need to own up to it. I suggest giving that person a Friday Flower or Cage drink, but it’s up to you how you apologize.
Taurus: If you are late to any classes this week, you will have a five-year-long curse placed on your soul. However, if you don’t do your homework, nothing will happen, so it’s fine if you don’t.
Gemini: Shave your head. Haha, just kidding… Unless?
Cancer: Your outfits will pop off this week, so make sure you often go to Buntrock often and strut your stuff. Dramatically take off your coat when you’re walking to the caf, and pop your hip out while waiting for your Cage drink.
Leo: Dye your hair, but don’t try a green or blue color. Aim for something either natural or more in the warmer tones. I believe in you!
Virgo: You will start a fight this week, and you will lose. That’s because you’re a Virgo, and Virgos kind of suck, but that’s okay. You will do better next week.
Libra: You have a hole. No, not down there. I mean in your heart, and you need to finally address it finally. Sit down with your friends and talk about your deep, dark secret.
Scorpio: Invest in emo culture and wear only black this week. Whip out the Twenty One Pilots, My Chemical Romance and Pierce the Veil. We are going back in time, baby!
Sagittarius: Those 17 text messages and 5 missed calls are still waiting for you. You can run, but you can’t hide!
Capricorn: You will meet your mortal enemy this week. Be aware that this enemy does not have to be human — the campus squirrels or cafeteria chicken could be your demise.
Aquarius: This week, your time of the most celestial energy is 4:28 a.m. every morning. If you need extra good luck, wake up at 4:28 a.m. and do your thang.
Pisces: Your sleep paralysis demon is going to follow you all week, so keep an eye out.
