Tea
By Sadie Kolehmainen
Contributing Writer
Imagine a chilly, blustery night in late fall. The wind whips outside, howling as it curves around the building and rattles your windows. But inside your room, cuddled up in your favorite blanket, holding your favorite mug, radiating warmth into your frosty fingertips, you feel safe. The rich notes of — well, whatever your favorite tea is — float up to your face with the steam, and you take a sip. The heat travels from your throat to deep in your stomach to your toes. And guess what? Afterwards, you can go to sleep happily, peacefully, and quickly to make for a perfect, relaxing evening.
I don’t intend to offer you the boring version of this debate, in which I argue how much better tea is for your health. That’s obvious, that’s well-known; and yet, it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference to avid coffee defenders. So, in order to keep this interesting, I’ll take a different approach to this issue.
Tea is just a perfect drink, really. As opposed to coffee, which only really has one core flavor — I know you can add shots of other flavors, but you can do the same with tea or any other drink ever, so I don’t want to hear about coffee like that. Tea can come however you want it: floral, fruity, spiced, bitter, whatever you’d like. It’s perfect for the morning, afternoon, evening, or even the middle of the night if you have the inclination. There are great iced teas for cooling down a hot summer day, and great hot teas for warming up a cold winter night. It is a massively versatile drink, and it fulfills so many specialized areas exceptionally well. None of that “jack-of-all trades” business, and certainly not an ace of one single suit.
I know lots of people drink coffee with the idea that it will energize their day due to its high levels of caffeine. However, there are teas out there that have equally high amounts, like matcha and certain varieties of black tea. That being said, if you really are on the hunt for caffeine, just have an energy drink and get the job done properly.
Also, I don’t want to hear any of that “tea is just hot leaf water” business. Isn’t coffee basically the same thing? Isn’t it just hot bean water? Isn’t tea just so much better?
Coffee
By Jacob Rozell
Visual Director
Okay, try to imagine this with me. You were up until 1 a.m. because of one of three things: 1. Your midterm paper is knocking you in the head with a water balloon filled with hot sauce. 2. A screaming child, who just won’t go to bed no matter how many pillows you cocooned it with! 3. President Trump accidentally dropped his Big Mac on the nuclear war button in the White House, and you had to call all the countries on WhatsApp to tell them it was a mistake, and the president of Togo really wanted someone to talk to, so you were on the phone for many hours past 1 a.m.
If you can imagine any of those scenarios, I’m sure you can also imagine three more similar ones. Now imagine it’s 7:30 a.m. The day is beginning whether you want it to or not — daylight saving time, bitch. Does tea have your back? Is the hot leaf water getting your engine started? Is chamomile or Earl Grey getting you ready for the day’s battles? No. No, no, no.
Coffee. Caffeine. The fires of the equator. The roast, the pour, the essence of efficiency, the shoes of Hermes encapsulated into a drink. Coffee is nature’s way of saying: “Go do awesome shit.” Tea will burn your tongue and leave you worse than you were before. Coffee will burn your tongue, give you the worst heartburn you’ve ever felt, and then say, “No sleep until Brooklyn.” It’s really not even a competition. If you want to get anywhere, you’re getting there with coffee.
