I have dye in my hair as I write this. “Dancing in the Dark” by Bruce Springsteen is playing out of my phone’s speakers because I left my JBL at a friend’s house. I’m frustrated and scared about what my next 24-hours are going to look like. My ex and I might get back together, but we also might not.
My boyfriend of two years and I broke up while we were both away on different study abroad trips. As soon as we returned to campus, we started seeing each other again. After a handful of dinner dates and sleepovers, I asked him his thoughts on getting back together. He said we should talk about it first, I agreed, and we proceeded to not talk about it for two more weeks until I brought it up again. The conversation failed to put either of us at ease.
“Nutshell” by Alice in Chains is playing now, a song he showed me. Time to rinse out the dye. It was my fault we broke up. We both left campus unhappy and dreading the no-doubt strenuous period of long distance to come. I only chose to share how unhappy I was when I had started flirting with another guy. After two months of difficult conversations and even a week-long reunion between the two of us, I called him late one night, and we pulled the cord. We didn’t keep in contact for months.
The thing is that I missed him this past summer. I thought about him all the time, unsure if I made a mistake or not. I’m still unsure. I was unhappy for a reason, but due to the circumstances, whether we get back together will not be my call.
I never thought I would be in a situation where I would be asking a partner for forgiveness and trust and a second chance, and I’m terrified. What if after this past month of telling each other “I love you,” grocery shopping at the Co-op, and braving the cold that has been going around the campus together, it’s just not going to work? I might not be trustworthy. I might not be worthy in general. What if this is my generational fumble? I don’t care that one day I’ll be fine or that I will get over him and get my life together. Will I think about him for the rest of my life? It’s a serious gamble. It’s unspoken but known that whoever breaks up with the other wins… and I don’t want to lose.
“Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog is playing now. My hair is basically dry. I think it’s pretty.
