I’m used to patterns. More so, I’m used to myself. I know my standards; I keep myself healthy, and I stay focused on my goals. I’ve never extended a relationship further than a friendship, and I used to be sure that I was fine with it. When I was a kid I’d frown at people kissing or hugs that lingered too long. I never got the craving for an intimate relationship until everyone around me turned ravenous for something so unfamiliar. Maybe I said I was hungry just to join in, not because I actually ever felt that pit in my stomach for someone. I’d grown in solidarity with myself and knew that my capabilities could only be amplified by me. But the kisses, hugs, and hand holding seemed to satisfy everyone else, so maybe I just had to grow into it. I felt so behind on the concept when I was younger, but as I grew up, I started to wrap my head around the feelings of it all more and more. I’d have tiny meaningless crushes and occasionally question whether a friend could be more than a friend. I’d gotten close once, but it never really worked the way I anticipated. Maybe that is a large part of why I never got the concept sooner. I’m used to controlling things, but now I’m in the position of trying to control something untameable.
Now at this point, I’m more terrified than ever. All the failed attempts and “meaningless” crushes I’ve had in the past don’t compare to how I feel now. Back then it was a trend, an effort to fit in, but with the instance I’m facing now, I don’t believe I’m running into the same dumb luck. I understand what it’s like to have “butterflies in my stomach” and to try to scout this person out in a crowd just to hide from them. I understand why people smile until their face hurts thinking about a certain person they like. I don’t think I’ve ever had something this deep before, and it scares me. Everyone has probably already experienced this, and it feels totally foreign to me.
I thought I knew what it felt like to care for someone to the point your chest hurt. I thought I knew what it felt like to admire someone so deeply that your eyes teared up anytime they accomplished something. I thought I knew how to burn brightly for those that I loved. This person, however, puts all the things I knew to shame. It’s a raw type of emotion that I thought would compile neatly to my patterns and standards, but it’s turned me into a mess of a person I thought I was. I think I’m at a standstill between excitement and dread, but I feel too far gone to take the path I’m used to.
